constant narrator

I feel like I’ve had a lot of changes waiting in the wings, for months now. I’ve been watching the back burner and waiting and procrastinating and calling and sitting and sometimes staring at the wall immobilized, but now some motion is upon me and I’m remembering that all change, no matter how good (or even straight-level-ambivalent change) is tough.

At my better moments I can remind myself how nice it is to ride the current and see where it goes, with the occasional vigorous and directed paddling. But sometimes I forget and cling to the riverbank, wishing the water would stop rising, or getting colder or was filled with less fish.

I had a good conversation with Bug tonight that reminded me that just about everyone walks through their lives feeling they’re a fraud in one way or another, either professionally or emotionally or with the mailman, because they mail themselves greeting cards to look popular at delivery time. That we’re all scared and not sure what we’re doing, just bullshitting the way through our day hoping we get something right and don’t fuck up too badly. And then once we’re comfortable and not so afraid of being fraudulent in that job/relationship/mail-carrier-mind, we whine that we’re bored and start looking for something else to do.

Anxious, fretful habit-energy - hello! I see you. Now let’s have some tea.