constant narrator

Hey there, guys! I know, I know, the last time you asked a girl out she threw up on herself and then was thrown out of the bar, but don’t worry, Mars was in retrograde then and things like that can’t be helped. Don’t let a setback like that keep you from getting your groove on and keeping that bad spoilt-cheese smell at bay.

What you need to do is get out more! Go to the coffeeshop and make sure to talk to the girl behind the counter about innocuous things like the weather, Matrix Re-loaded or the latest Oprah book you’re reading. Keep the conversation to 30 seconds or less. Don’t tip too much, as coffeegirls are wary of that sort of business. Now that you’ve done that, head off to the local bookstore - NOT the library. We all know creepy men who hang out at the library! Refrain from skulking in the stacks. Instead, head to your local Barnes and Noble and help yourself to their magazine section. Feel free to sit down and read for awhile. Make sure not to get too into your articles - there are ladies afoot! Avoid car, computer and boobie magazines. Instead, choose world affairs, vegarian cooking and light business magazines. Women go crazy for men who are well read on politics, cooking and appear to have money! When a lovely lass is browsing the selection nearby, glace at her non-chalantly, then go back to reading.

That’s right, act like you have better things to do than meet her. As she stays in the aisle and ponders Real Living vs. Simple Living, stand up and put your magazine back where it belongs. (Never, ever put it back in the wrong place -this is a sign to a woman that in the future you will mix her white undies with her black ones in the dresser drawer. Avoid that penalty!) If you’re reading the right magazine, you’ll have to move past her, perhaps stretching your arm in front of her. Say “Excuse me”. She’ll love your politeness. When she smiles, hesitate for a moment and then say, shyly, “Do you like that magazine? I’ve been thinking of getting my sister a subscription for her birthday.” Do not say “my mother” - this would indicate that you think this lovely young lady is grandma material. When she responds, let the conversation flow naturally. Do not think about telling any off-color jokes about the shovels in your trunk or starting to say “heh heh heh” too much. When you ask her out for coffee next week, she’ll be delighted and give you her real phone number! After that, it’s just a few months until she’s revamping your wardrobe at Nordstrom’s and making you drink Diet Pepsi to help trim that tummy. And that, my friends, is love. Go get ‘em!